Crush

I think I have developed a crush on The Library Officer. It is possible that I want to have a crush and he is the first man I have met since the ex and I split who I have found attractive and is single. I enjoy the tummy tingling sensation of walking towards his office to get to my own, wondering if he will be there and if we will get to chat. It's a nice distraction after the heartbreak and misery of the last few months.

We were talking and I mentioned that I was struggling to find things to do in my lunch break. "There's the gym," he suggested. "I'm not very active," I replied. It wasn't quite what I meant to say but he laughed. "I used to go to the gym years ago," I continued. "Back in my twenties..." "That can't be too long ago." "Well, I'm thirty-five now," I mumbled.

I felt like I was trying to make the point that I'm older than I look. Why would I do that? Unless I was conscious of him being significantly older than me.

"You can always bring your lunch in here and talk to me while I work," he said.

Which is what I did the next day. And he didn't talk to me! I did have a book with me so perhaps he thought he would be disturbing my reading. He did sudoku while I read the same page of my book over and over again. I sat there for about ten minutes, silent with embarrassment, until finally fleeing to have a cigarette.

For the last six months I've felt abandoned and have been grieving the relationship I had. Now, I feel single; properly single for the first time in nine years. But engaging in the world as a single woman, talking to men, flirting (yuck) and revealing your interest without looking a fool is a complete mystery. It's like an old-fashioned dance and I don't know the steps.